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Not Really What I Meant

by SAMonWRY

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1.
Drop Scarlet 02:48
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Hello everyone I've missed you It's been awhile I've kinda been going through some stuff The lines have grown faint but the set was not complete I snap the band on my wrist in time with the pulsing of the beat drop scarlet focus right and wobble in my seat 'cause the payoff of discretion is little a treat I'm losing what I'm thinking 'cause I ramble filling verses hoping clutching scratching piercing crying waiting for the sweet release it seizes me I can't believe I have to fight so desperately I'm doing fine I'm holding true, so Is it strength when I lie to you? I wake up as I lie down as the world goes dark I hit the ground the racing endless racing thoughts concern and guilt and pain and loss I'm crying and I'm sobbing and it's silent and it's loud and it's (crazed laughter) The world has grown faint but our lives are not complete we put our heads in our hands in time with the pulsing of the beat drop scarlet focus right, it's pooling in the street 'cause the payoff of obsession is tearing. at. me. I'm losing time for patience 'cause I have to hide from so much and I'm scared for those I care about and cannot keep the danger out it's everything and everywhere and anything I'm not aware of it's my fault that you're alone and I do not deserve a home to risk what you have brought to me, and I can't even try to be the door was shut, but then it's wide and I am scared of either side I find myself alone at times and just when I run out of rhymes I (crazed laughter) The lines have grown faint The lines have grown faint The lines have grown faint but the set was not complete I said The lines have grown faint The lines have grown faint The lines have grown faint but the set was not complete I said now there's an awful lot that can happen in a couple years there's an awful lot that can happen in a couple years there's an awful lot that can happen in a couple years there's an awful lot that can happen in a couple years I tend to find the worst to shed a few discarded tears desiccated imitated mindless to the point of frost maybe you can tell me why my mind is always lost Their eyes have grown faint but the story's not complete we put the words on the page in time with the pulsing of the beat drop scarlet focus right, and fight the entropy 'cause the payoff of reflection is cutting my teeth I'm losing all I'm loving 'cause the worlds unjust uncaring and the cruelty endless cruelty knocks the compass off its bearings and it's all the strength I have in me to fight against these urges see I'm stronger than I seem to be but constant pain has weakened me the pits I've made abodes of boast a boundless bout of bummer vibes lost in search in search of safer tides I'm sick of spinning splitting sides I'll think I've make it through the drought and no one has to find me out but (crazed laughter) It's good to see you again
2.
Tired 03:29
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It's time to wake up Crawl off the bean bag oh no The day has started and you're not ready It's all been scheduled and you don't have time for freedom oh no You're running late There's no escape I'm so tired I wanna sleep Oh I'm so tired I wanna sleep I wanna sleep and never wake up those thoughts won't work but nothing else will oh no now come on stop it that makes it worse it's not so bad you've got to look at everything in context sure some things suck but you are loved I'm so tired I wanna sleep Oh I'm so tired I wanna sleep I wanna sleep and never wake up The darkness can't last you'll have some bad days oh no but that's what life is mountains and valleys There's brightness waiting for you just around the corner oh no don't go and give up before you have even tried Why can't I tell myself these things every day Why does the darkness always get in the way I know you love me and I love you all too I'll keep on going even if it's just for you but I'm so tired I wanna sleep Oh I'm so tired I wanna sleep I wanna sleep and then I'll wake up
3.
I Try to be Happy 03:52
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I'm hiding in a bathroom and I don't know when I can leave because I don't know what I am afraid of, really well I know what I'm afraid of, really I'm afraid of stranger's faces and I'm scared in unusual places like a parking lot of a grocery store and so much more but I try to be happy and it's not very easy got a great life or at least in a theory and it's so hard to keep things upbeat I got a weak guard and I need your help please need a quick boost 'cause the fear will eat me and it's induced by those who can't see me but when you're right here It's all okay again it's alright you soak up my tears It's not my favorite thing to stay up in the early morning but the feeling that I'm given often comes without its own warning oh just a few minutes back there can knock me out the rest of the day doesn't matter how it started if it ends that way but I try to be happy and it's not very easy got a great life or at least in a theory and it's so hard to keep things upbeat I got a weak guard and I need your help please need a quick boost 'cause the fear will eat me and it's induced by those who can't see me but when you're right here It's all okay again it's alright you soak up my tears I don't know what I've been thinking I don't know what I've been saying I don't know what I've been feeling I don't know how I've been doing oh I'm hiding in a bathroom why am I hiding in a bathroom why did the way that he looked at me affect me oh but I want to be happy and it's not very easy got a great life or at least in a theory and it's so hard to keep things upbeat I got a weak guard and I need your help please need a quick boost 'cause the fear will eat me and it's induced by those who can't see me but when you're right here It's all okay again it's alright you soak up my tears I want to be happy and it's not very easy got a great life or at least in a theory and it's so hard to keep things upbeat I got a weak guard and I need your help please need a quick boost 'cause the fear will eat me and it's induced by those who can't see me but when you're right here It's all okay again it's alright you soak up my tears
4.
The Spiral 04:11
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Hey, don't let the demons get inside again 'cause we don't know where they're coming from Last night the moon fell from the sky I don't wanna die again but the magic's gone it's good for one try to listen to your heart I know what you think you are Falling into the spiral isn't fun last time the hug came from two sides but now there's none Yeah, that was a close one hold my hand so tight I don't wanna feel you let me go I don't care what happens to me I swear I'll ignore the bite don't you let me hear you whisper no try to listen to your heart I know what you think you are Falling into the spiral isn't fun last time the hug came from two sides but now there's none Hey, don't let the demons get inside again I wanna say I don't care if you're one of them Yeah, that was a close one hold my hand so tight (I need to listen to your heart again) They tell me that it's wrong but I know it must be right (Please don't fall into the twist again) So, it's been a while since the last time It's a feeling sickly comforting I am stuck inside of the pit and I'm alone for the climb and my limbs are dumbly lumbering try to listen to your heart I know what you think you are Falling into the spiral isn't fun buh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh last time the hug came from two sides but now there's none buh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh I've been relatively clear for nearly half a year but now the winning streak is done
5.
Determined 05:20
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first you run then you walk then you might just want to stop "just keep trying every day" That is what I think they say if you give up, hey that's fine happens to me all the time just don't throw it all away you might want it back some day first you run then you run then you then you then you run first you run and run and run and first you run and r r run then you walk then you stop then you stop stop stop then you run and then you walk and then you stop and don't give up Hey kick it to me now find a little boom pow kick the sadness in the face get yourself an even pace it's not easy this is true but we all believe in you Take a break then get back in I know that you're gonna win Hey it's a little difficult to keep things rolling along when you're not feelin great and I understand that Hey it's a little difficult a little difficult difficult Hey and I understand that stand that that Hey keep things rolling along Just keep things rolling along when you're not feelin great great great Hey it doesn't have to happen today just do the best that you can and that's all that matters all that matters matters do the best that you can best that you can it doesn't have to happen today Hey that's all that matters Hey it's a little difficult to keep things rolling along when you're not feelin great and I understand that Hey it doesn't have to happen today just do the best that you can and that's all that matters first you run then you walk then you might just want to stop "just keep trying every day" That is what I think they say if you give up, hey that's fine happens to me all the time just don't throw it all away you might want it back some day first you run then you run then you then you then you run first you run and run and run and first you run and r r run then you walk then you stop then you stop stop stop then you run and then you walk and then you stop and don't give up Hey kick it to me now find a little boom pow kick the sadness in the face get yourself an even pace it's not easy this is true but we all believe in you Take a break then get back in I know that you're gonna win you're gonna win you're gonna win Take a break then get back in I know that you're gonna win it's not easy this is true I know I know this is true but we all believe in you we believe in you kick the sadness in the face kick it kick it in the face get yourself an even pace kick it to an even pace don't give up if you stop things are starting to look up it's okay, you're doing great I know that you're doing great
6.
Red 03:47
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Look up Look down Look around Look down It's a funny thing now you mention it waitin' for the time when our redemption hits Patchwork memory and patchwork face I don't remember how I came to this place but I don't want to burn anymore Settle the score without me 'cause I've Read the signs and the sky is red as the wounds I've bled Just leave me for dead the tattered tale of Red the sky is red as the wounds I've bled Just leave me for dead the tattered tale of Red Gotta end the reign of unchecked tyranny what does that do for my abject misery? Find myself surrounded by a swarm of strangers I doubt they considered the ancillary dangers Why am I a failure? Explain this to me What sort of ritual could say it missed me? Worlds can't hold me and the flames can't wait The fire's brighter than I see my fate but I don't want to burn anymore Settle the score without me 'cause I've Read the signs and the sky is red as the wounds I've bled Just leave me for dead the tattered tale of Red the sky is red as the wounds I've bled Just leave me for dead the tattered tale of Red In him I see a light why does that scare me? I thought I understood this isn't fairly set up for the fall I wanted myself to take and when I look at him why does own my heart ache? Did I have it wrong? Is it not hopeless? When it's done I just might not be homeless I don't know if I can do this alone I need another I'm not good on my own It's me welcome to the end It's me welcome to the death of your friends It's me all will soon be mine It's me trust me it'll all be fine It's me in everyone you know It's me Knock over the dominoes It's me take my hand and live It's me This is the only chance I'll give I don't want to burn anymore I'll settle the score and stop you 'cause I've Read the signs and the sky was red as the wounds I've bled After me, you're dead the tattered tale of Red the sky was red as the wounds I've bled After me, you're dead the tattered tale of Red and the sky was red as the wounds I've bled After me, you're dead the tattered tale of Red the sky was red as the wounds I've bled After me, you're dead the tattered tale of Red
7.
Post 1939 (She Saw Me) 03:40
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There are ten certain circuits in the Voder Twenty separate components to be used in building up speech sounds Well we've heard the Voder make a word and by combining words of course we make a sentence Who saw you? She saw me. Whom did she see? She saw me. Did she see you or hear you? She saw me. And now let's have Mr. Garret and Ms. Harper Actually show us what the Voder can do with these twenty separate sounds. I don't know what to say I don't know how to say it it comes up every day but I have lost the way and half the time I don't know what the biggest issue in the world is life is long and hard it's not clear how we're here or just what time is Who saw you? She saw me. Have the Voder say "She saw me." Who saw you? She saw me. Sounded awfully flat, how about a little expression? She saw me. She saw me. She saw me. Greetings everybody. Greetings everybody. Hi hello welcome ciao do you know who I am now? Greetings salutations yo I will take that as a no There's a little part of me that wonders if I'm from a world that could accept a little bit of lost time but i'm not sure I know if I can take the first step maybe it's just better if I leave you in the darkness Now so far you have only heard the Voder speak in one voice, but it has other voices which it can use: GrEeTiNgS eVeRyBoDy. Who saw you? She saw me. Whom did she see? She saw me. Did she see you or hear you? She saw me. A girl needs a peculiar combination of particular talent I have to form thirteen different sounds in succession All this must be done with exactly. correct. timing. Mary had a little lamb fleece was white as snow everywhere that Mary went the lamb was sure to go Sh-yikes Voder you're sounding awfully sizzonal Snap out of it, let's hear you laugh. Okay. Ha. Ha. Haaaaaaaaaa. I certainly feel sorry for you Haaaaaaaaaa. Do you really feel as old as you look? I feel very old, man. Haaaaaaaaaa. It took me about a year of constant practice this is about the average time required in most cases. Who saw you? Who saw you? Whom did she see? Whom did she see? Did she see you or hear you? She saw me. Now perhaps you noticed there was a peculiar quality in that voice you've not heard before And that, as I'm sure you've noticed is really a singing tone: Ah ah ah ah The company tried out about 320 girls and out of this number, twenty-eight girls finally became expert operators. Can he say: "Parlez-vous français"? Parlez-vous français? The Voder can do practically anything that can be done with a Human voice Yes, Voder can not only talk, but he can sing Who saw you? She saw me. Whom did she see? She saw me. Did she see you or hear you? She saw me. Here's Voder's imitation of a cow: Mooooooo And here's a pig: Oink Oink Oink Oink Oink Oink Oink Oink
8.
left behind left ahead 03:04
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9.
Time Goes Marching On feat. Jen Langilotti 03:57
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sometimes I think back to my friends from second grade How are they all doing now? I don't remember half their names and I I think about all of the times that we had played run around out in the sun making up our silly games and I I wonder why it is I didn't keep in touch I told myself before it's 'cause it didn't matter much but it it makes me wonder why I played with them at all if I could drop them just as fast as I gave up the soccer ball Time goes marching on if you let it pass you by don't forget the friends you've made if they can't join you on the ride Time goes marching on if you let it pass you by don't forget the friends you've made if they can't join you on the ride Time goes marching on if you let it pass you by don't forget the friends you've made if they can't join you on the ride But's an awful way of thinking I have a tendency of sinking in mind and heart It feels like if I want a meaning my only option is to make a sad feeling Sure they're not around but they weren't nothing The times we had were simply fleeting I wouldn't go back in my life and erase a thing memories both good and bad are rather touching Time goes marching on if you let it pass you by don't forget the friends you've made if they can't join you on the ride Time goes marching on if you let it pass you by don't forget the friends you've made if they can't join you on the ride Time goes marching on if you let it pass you by don't forget the friends you've made if they can't join you on the ride You can't take everybody with you on this journey through this life we have Just love the moments when you've got them Love the fact it's something that you had I hope you all know you've impacted me in ways that I can't even name I love the words you say and things you do you've made me me I can't explain 'cause Time goes marching on if you let it pass you by don't forget the friends you've made if they can't join you on the ride Time goes marching on if you let it pass you by don't forget the friends you've made if they can't join you on the ride Time goes marching on if you let it pass you by don't forget the friends you've made if they can't join you on the ride Time goes marching on if you let it pass you by don't forget the friends you've made if they can't join you on the ride
10.
Better 03:33
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I feel better than I did before I feel a little bit better when I see myself now I just feel better A little just maybe just a little bit better I feel weak when I'm on my own I feel so weak every week running into the next when I I'm not alone when I remember I'm not alone I feel at home and that makes me feel better than I did before I feel a little bit better when I see myself now I just feel better I might just maybe just a little bit better I I'm tired I'm so very tired but I'm not done and I never will be I (there is) I'm scared (so much going on now) scared of the world that greets me (and I'll never know how) and there's not much (bad it can be out there) that makes me feel (I will always be scared) better than I did before I don't feel much better when I see myself sometimes I'm not better I might just maybe feel a little bit worse I am here for however long I am here And I don't really like it here I love you and I really hope you love me too because you you make me feel better than I did before I feel a little bit better when I see myself now I just feel better I might just maybe feel a little bit better
11.
Intermission (Bonus Track) 01:43
12.
RDF feat. Austin Johnson (Bonus Track) 03:19
lyrics
Aw yeah it's me Austin wack as heck the cr- cr- cr- cr- crunchy overly crunchy nature of cereal's meant to be tempered by crazy crab don't ask me milk this person ah ah ahh now let's talk about- talk about me Aw yeah it's me Austin cat named Sebastian Value your opinion a- a- ask me I- I- disagree with Sydney eats it d-d-d-d-dry talk about me ahhh not named after a crab crab I am the raging fires of doom brought down upon the Earth and I hope you see me coming so I can chase you first it's not as satisfying to destroy you by surprise I just can't get enough of the terrified look inside your eyes thirty-nine, fish of time futurelings dang-dang-dangles words into the past and hope to get a bite -ite my. name. is. self-aware contamination prototype designation prototype prototype -type yeah, it's me Austin A-A-A-A- Austin yeah, it's me Austin A-A-A-A- Austin yeah, it's me Austin A-A-A-A- Austin yeah, it's me Austin RaginDoomFire Austin is a human just like you Austin does the human things we do ...you have a cup? Get a fuckin' hold of this HOW did you fuckin' miss By that much? Vanilla Bean Vanilla Been, Bitch Mother trucking skeleton Cunning god of death Love and Appreciation d-d-d-d-d-d-dragon? very well as pants. very well as PANTS Jean Jackets are pants are PANTS are PANTS pants This creator had an idea for a fun and strange music awww yeah, it's me Austin A-A-A-A- Austin yeah, it's me Austin A-A-A-A- Austin yeah, it's me Austin A-A-A-A- Austin yeah, it's me Austin RaginDoomFire Austin is a human just like you Austin does the human things we do Awwwwwwwwwww yeah, it's me Austin A-A-A-A- Austin yeah, it's me Austin A-A-A-A- Austin yeah, it's me Austin A-A-A-A- Austin yeah, it's me Austin RaginDoomFire yeah, it's me Austin A-A-A-A- Austin yeah, it's me Austin A-A-A-A- Austin yeah, it's me Austin A-A-A-A- Austin yeah, it's me Austin RaginDoomFire yeah, it's me Austin A-A-A-A- Austin yeah, it's me Austin A-A-A-A- Austin yeah, it's me Austin A-A-A-A- Austin yeah, it's me Austin RaginDoomFire
13.
Orange (Bonus Track) 01:18
lyrics
Come and take a walk with me (Orange you glad I didn't say banana?) The words are meaningless I promise I won't eat the list It's nothing new to me Come and rule the world with me (Orange you glad I didn't say banana?) This talk is meaningless I just pick out words from a list to fit inside the frame Why won't it just come to me (Orange you glad I didn't say banana?) I want the music but for some reason this song needs words so it's not all empty Orange is the name for thee (Orange you glad I didn't say banana?) to fit my stupid frame of colors swirling in my brain quite interchangeably This song has no reason to have words, but yet it does Hooah!
14.
Yellow (Bonus Track) 03:28
15.
Fun Under the Sun (Bonus Track) 00:47
lyrics
Every body look at me I've got something for you to see it's plain and simple clear as day you've got to throw your cares away It's summer time and that's the truth you can bet your sugar tooth it's time for fun under the sun so go worship Satan! wait wat
16.
Post 2039 Theme (Bonus Track) 02:18
17.
Pat Shark vs T-Rick Demo (Bonus Track) 03:05
lyrics
Walk into the club Put your hands in the air get the money in the bag tell me how it isn't fair 'cause the club is a bank I'm just taken my share Check the name, it's T-RICK I got that bonnie clyde flair Feet on the street with the cash on hand and the pigs'll never catch me or my stash on land drop the beat to the sea hit the splash i've planned underwater evil lair rave and thrash on brand This is the life and I owe it to myself guillotine a CEO a bonus to my mental health 'cause the humans die a lot and I would say that I excel at accelerating endings of the bad, to rebel I steal from the rich and I give to the me I got a business pitch that I leave to the scene If you're nice I'll ask twice then I'll give some advice everybody's awful that's the only freakin' tea Listen here pal I don't disagree in the slightest but you've got to know we can't call you the brightest 'cause you step to me a different ideology necessary for you to see the place where you happen to be I am the power in the world that matters the flag of every nation is unfurled in tatters the tray falls when the fists are uncurled, it clatters the silver spoon from the soup is hurled, it splatters steal from the wealthy bats in the belfry your gold is pretty useless when your soul is filthy You try to end society but still you hoard the capital as an "anarchist" your intentions alone are what is admirable 'cause in practice you disgrace everybody in the place in fact your just as bad as all that you want to displace So I put it to you now tuck your tail and save your begs run as fast as you can my children things have long legs That's a nice rebuttal but I can't live without the cash man dropping all the dollars you'd find me inside a trashcan digging scraps out just to eat just perhaps gifted treat I don't need your charity when I'm a fierce killin' machine What's the point in caring when I can do whatever I want? It's fun! Try some! Never gonna buy one! The world is pretty broken if you ask me, Sharky and I might be monster but the humans more monster than me What are they? your pets or something? kill 'em to the beat I'm bumping The world is gonna burn with all the garbage in the sea they're dumping Honestly it's pretty strange that you're not on my side here I've spread the facts out wide clear for you the simple sightseer They're garbage they're nothing I'll take 'em off your hands and then I'll work 'em to the bone to build the world within my plans because the world is gonna die so you should let me have my fun, I think I've won I think we're done, I never run zero to one. (Here comes Pat Shark) (Here comes Pat Shark) Now you've gone and made the check mark I'm not mad just disappointed gone and got yourself anointed Ready for my eldritch fire snuggled up upon the pyre friend you up and upended my patience and brought out my ire Pets? That's pretty close. But you're garbage, friend, you're gross with your lack of understanding equate life corporate branding it's the weak ones at the top they're just like you, they get the chop you've got to care about your neighbor and control the source of labor don't belabor me I don't sightsee your sight's from me you shriveled flea my children things are all I need I give them gifts of life and glee the world is broken yes it's true but that don't mean a thing to you you're not the one who's suffering You use the pain as covering You want to claim you're on my side but when you're needed run and hide You can agree to disagree because you're unaffected see? The world is burning, kids in cages monsters of all kinds and ages play as if you're on a stage it's not a game the fire rages.
18.
Magic Vans feat. Patrick Kuhns (Bonus Track) 01:39
lyrics
(Laughter and coughing) Put me in the Shoe What Shoe? ... Who do? Do what? Who do? You do? ... What kind of magic spell to use? ... Wellington Boots ... Baby you remind of the shoe with the power The power of Shoe-Do to untie my shoe ... Vans magic vans Vans magic vans vans I can't- stop stop this has devolved yeah okay I love you mhmm? yeah, go ahead

about

I wrote this title years ago. I didn't expect any of this to happen. I didn't want it to go this way. Everything was supposed to be good and last forever. I keep losing people. I miss you so much. We can still try to find something nice. Something soft. I'm hopeful for a good future. I really need that. Please. I just want it to be okay. I just want everyone to be okay. I love you.

credits

released September 29, 2020

Written and Composed by Sydney Blue
Artwork by Stephanie Bernd
Vocals by Sydney Blue, Jen Langilotti, and Austin Johnson
Ukulele performance by Jen Langilotti

Dedicated to Pat Kuhns <3

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SAMonWRY Pennsylvania

Hey there. I write music as a hobby, but it means a lot to me. I use it to share my feelings and my love for the people that matter to me. It's pretty weird some times.

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